can't even figure out a title.

I DON'T GET IT. How do people figure stuff out?? How am I supposed to know what I want? I want everything and nothing all at the same time! What does that even mean?!? How do I discern that? Where do I go with that? How do people ever figure anything out?? I mean, how do you KNOW??

boo. this is too hard. start over.

On being a lazy wanter.

I feel like there are so many things that I want in life. Big things and little things. Selfless things and selfish things. Easy things and hard things. Expensive things and cheap things. And free things. And I guess what I'm having a hard time figuring out is how to reconcile wanting all these things with getting them. I mean, I can't get everything I want. It's just not going to happen that way. I probably won't own a beachside villa somewhere beautiful, and there's a good chance I'll never perform in a touring Broadway show. But then there are the other things that I'm so determined to get, that I want with every single piece of me, but are scaring the shit out of me right now. A family. How will I ever get a family if I don't get married? How will I ever get married if I can't be in a relationship for longer than a year? How can I ever be in a relationship for longer than a year if I can't get a boyfriend? How will I ever get a boyfriend if I can't go on dates? How will I ever go on dates if I can't meet a boy I kinda like? There are just WAY TOO MANY pieces of the puzzle that need to fit together for me to get what I really, really, really want that I just end up deciding it won't ever happen. And then I get guilty and annoyed at myself, because Jesus Christ, I'm 24, I have time. But still. What if it doesn't happen? That will literally crush my world. That is a blow that I cannot and will not allow. So then, if something is THAT important to me, I feel like I need to be putting everything I can into it right now. And that's where I find myself. Always trying to work for what I want but not knowing where to begin. Or not wanting to begin. And then what does that say about me? This is something that is quite possibly the most important thing I could ever EVER care about, and I'm just too lazy or scared to deal with it right now? Really, self? Come on.

And then there are the things that are just too much. Too much to figure out, too much to deal with, too much money to handle, too much work to even begin. Like grad school. How the hell am I ever going to be able to do grad school? When will I ever be the kind of person that can do that? I have no money. I have no idea how to apply for scholarships. I have no decision-making capacity to be able to quit a job that I love to go back to school for a job that I might not love as much. The problem with the things that are too much though, is usually that they have deadlines. So i can't just ignore it forever. I need to figure this shit out. But I can't even begin. I want it, but I can't deal with wanting it.

Please?

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now.

Seeing the world through new eyes. (or at least ones that are only 3 years old)

I spend one third of my waking life with 3 and 4 year olds. I spend that time guiding, yelling, hugging, laughing, protecting, stressing and singing. And after all the lessons are planned, and all the themes are taught, I really and truly believe that I am the one walking away with a wider view of the world.

Yesterday Elena told me that Rosa Parks was sad because people weren't her friend because she had different skin. On Thursday, Bruce, who had never connected with a single child before, took Natalia's hand on her first day, and guided her to his favorite toy on the playground, the big cars. And at the beginning of the week Ceci explained that Bob Marley was a beautiful man because he loved everyone and sang pretty music.

Kids see the world. They don't live through it. They stop, and they look around, and they wonder. They take the time to question because they have no frame of reference to blindly fall back on. They are pure. They can be purely annoying, or purely stinky, or even purely hurtful. But whatever they are, whatever they feel, they do so without limits. They haven't yet learned to place those limits upon themselves.

So what happens down the road? How does each and every one of us, no matter how inspired, or how delightful we are, end up living in a world of self-imposed restrictions? We may not realize they are there, and we may not even live according to them. But we have created them. Like it or not, as an adult, you are bound. And only a small child can release you.

So I think it's about allowing them to. Let's put all of our trust, all of our energy, and all of our soul into our kids. Because if we continue to restrict our worlds, soon there won't be a world for them to observe without boundary. And that would mean a third of my life without guiding, yelling, hugging, laughing, protecting, stressing or singing. And I'm thinking that sure would be a sad place to spend my day.

Happy little feelings

I gotta say, one of the simplest pleasures in my life is wearing new underwear. Because underwear can be hella cute, but never seen. So it's like a little secret that you get reminded about whenever you go to the bathroom, and it puts an itty bitty smile on my face every time.

Just stop it

I complain a lot about my life. I complain about the dumbest things too. Little menial tasks that I have to get done, or someone that is annoying me, or being bored. I guess I noticed this especially at the beginning of this past summer because I instituted a New Sarah, No Complaints policy. And I told my boss/burgeoning good friend about the policy so she would keep me honest. And oh did she. In many moments when I retreated to my former complainy self, Janey said Sarah! What happened to no complaining? Don't be annoying!

So where's my Janey now? This is the real world Sarah. You're not a student anymore. You're not a kid. You're even all out of exciting birthdays. So buck up and stop complaining. And don't do it simply because you have no one to police you. Do it because you realize the futility in complaining. Because you see the unattractive person it makes you into. Because you feel the inevitable vacancy it leaves you with.

Rediscover Ecuador, Sarah. Before you drown in America.

So I'm going to go get bagels today, maybe some coffee. Read the Sunday paper. And then later maybe I'll go to a movie, if I want to. Because silently complaining to myself alone in the apartment while Cory is actually being a normal, social person isn't going to leave me, him, or the universe with any better feelings. And I think Janey would be happy about that.

I was walking down the pebbled street during the night's final farewell to the day's trials and grating routines, just at that point when whispers morph back into whistles, and starlight disappears into floodlight, when I saw him. The man I did not know would turn into my new lighthouse. The only thing that would get me through the next 7 months, beaconing me through the long hours of pain, increduality, and unknowing. He was just standing there, lit unperfectly by the sputtering streetlight, the picture of fatigue and weariness. But who knew all of life's answers, all of the things that can really bring a person to their knees and force them into much-needed self-reflection, self-confrontation, could be wrapped up in one defeated, unpretty package? I didn't look, didn't even give a second glance to the future of my self.

What a pity.