Happy little feelings

I gotta say, one of the simplest pleasures in my life is wearing new underwear. Because underwear can be hella cute, but never seen. So it's like a little secret that you get reminded about whenever you go to the bathroom, and it puts an itty bitty smile on my face every time.

Just stop it

I complain a lot about my life. I complain about the dumbest things too. Little menial tasks that I have to get done, or someone that is annoying me, or being bored. I guess I noticed this especially at the beginning of this past summer because I instituted a New Sarah, No Complaints policy. And I told my boss/burgeoning good friend about the policy so she would keep me honest. And oh did she. In many moments when I retreated to my former complainy self, Janey said Sarah! What happened to no complaining? Don't be annoying!

So where's my Janey now? This is the real world Sarah. You're not a student anymore. You're not a kid. You're even all out of exciting birthdays. So buck up and stop complaining. And don't do it simply because you have no one to police you. Do it because you realize the futility in complaining. Because you see the unattractive person it makes you into. Because you feel the inevitable vacancy it leaves you with.

Rediscover Ecuador, Sarah. Before you drown in America.

So I'm going to go get bagels today, maybe some coffee. Read the Sunday paper. And then later maybe I'll go to a movie, if I want to. Because silently complaining to myself alone in the apartment while Cory is actually being a normal, social person isn't going to leave me, him, or the universe with any better feelings. And I think Janey would be happy about that.

I was walking down the pebbled street during the night's final farewell to the day's trials and grating routines, just at that point when whispers morph back into whistles, and starlight disappears into floodlight, when I saw him. The man I did not know would turn into my new lighthouse. The only thing that would get me through the next 7 months, beaconing me through the long hours of pain, increduality, and unknowing. He was just standing there, lit unperfectly by the sputtering streetlight, the picture of fatigue and weariness. But who knew all of life's answers, all of the things that can really bring a person to their knees and force them into much-needed self-reflection, self-confrontation, could be wrapped up in one defeated, unpretty package? I didn't look, didn't even give a second glance to the future of my self.

What a pity.

The clothes of myself.

I want to wear myself like I wear my favorite t-shirt. Or like I wear my ugly sweatshirt when I'm feeling lazy. Or like I wear my really uncomfortable heels when I feel like I need to look and act older and sexy. After all, where lies the difference between wearing a garment and wearing a self? I am so many things. I can choose to put on one or the other when I wake up in the morning. Today I strut content. Yesterday I donned determined and motivated. Tomorrow I may try on nervous. I wonder if i'll get complimented on my new look, or if I'll find that maybe it's not as comfortable as it felt it would be in the dressing room. Does a look have to be seen? Does it have to be a physical, touchable entity covering my skin?

Today I wear my self. Tomorrow I wear myself. But between the 48 hours, I may look very different. I may walk between two worlds of fashion without ever changing the cotton material on my body. And that doesn't make me any less of a model.

The Story of Me

I am:

kids. unhealthy food. strive for health. unabashed. sister. daughter. girl. little girl. lazy. ashamed of lazy. romantic. dreamy. realistic. motivated. sad. unfleetingly happy. rain that knows what it wants. timeline of good things. virgin. irritatingly, boringly the same. wanting. hurting. excited. disappointed in people i never thought possible. introspectively intraspective. sunny. wondering. ice creamy. jealous. hopelessly hopeful. fall leafing. lonely. unimpressed. inspired. worried. impressed. adventure bound. bound. innocent. gamer. disney day. sweyolakan. hot. mexican. ecuadorian. spooky. lovely.

I am me.

The current state of things.

I don't think I know myself. I mean, i KNOW myself. I know what I like and what I don't like. I know how much I weigh, how tall I am and what my favorite color is. I even know a couple things I'm passionate about and a couple things I would like to unlock my passion for because I know it's hidden in here somewhere. But beyond that, I don't think I know myself. I can't predict how I will react to things. And once the reaction begins, I can't control it. I have no control over how much outside influences will make me happy or sad. And I feel no connection to my own dreams and goals in life.

Maybe that's how you're supposed to feel. Maybe that's what living and existing and changing is really all about - uncovering all these great things that are hidden in the folds, but also scraping away the comfortable parts to reveal a hole that you didn't even know was there.

I'm graduating in 4 days. And I dont know how I feel about it. I can't discern my own feelings. Of course I'm excited to be done with school work and papers and shitty group projects. But overall, I LIKE school. I like the feeling of walking into class, sitting in a desk and just letting myself be absorbed with new information and ways of thinking. I like the idea that I am being formed, bit by bit into a more educated person. Obviously there are aspects of that that are scary, like being brainwashed into thinking certain things are true and right, but I also like that power I have to make my own decisions about things and really use all of the different sources around me to create myself. And I mean, I can continue to do that outside of an educational institution. Life is education, right? But I just like going to school. I like getting my backpack ready and heading out the door to walk or take the bus to class. Just like I did in first and seventh and tenth grade. I've always been good at school. I don't think I'll be good at life.

And I also just feel lonely. What happened to all my friends? The only people I see at all regularly are my sisters and Shyam, and while they are great, I need more freinds than that. I have parts of me that are enriched by people other than family and boyfriend. I feel like I completely lost one friend and I have no idea how or why it even happened, and I feel like the other doesn't really have much interest or awareness of me anymore. I really REALLY don't want to be the annoying needy girl who craves attention, but I'm just kind of feeling abandoned, you know?

I'm ready for something big. I'm ready for a change in life, for new directions, for new experiences. I'm ready to stir the pot up a little and taste the new concoction. Bring on the summer. Bring on the real world. And bring on new ingredients.

Who's in charge here?

I wish there was a Facebook for my life. It could just be in charge, and control everything. When it's time to make a new friend, it would give me a friend suggestion, and maybe even some friend details, to give me a leg up on conversation. It could decide which events I was attending and which ones I should just skip out on, and then send a cordial decline to the host or hostess so that I didn't have to deal with that. My profile picture could tell me how I need to dress every day, and what kind of personality it's time to take on. And on really really bad days, when maybe I should just skip the world entirely, it would tell me that we're undergoing account maintenance and cannot log in at that time. Then I would know that it's time to just hang it up, sit back, and ride it out.

Facebook, want a new job? I'm hiring.


....life is a little bit hard right now.