The current state of things.

I don't think I know myself. I mean, i KNOW myself. I know what I like and what I don't like. I know how much I weigh, how tall I am and what my favorite color is. I even know a couple things I'm passionate about and a couple things I would like to unlock my passion for because I know it's hidden in here somewhere. But beyond that, I don't think I know myself. I can't predict how I will react to things. And once the reaction begins, I can't control it. I have no control over how much outside influences will make me happy or sad. And I feel no connection to my own dreams and goals in life.

Maybe that's how you're supposed to feel. Maybe that's what living and existing and changing is really all about - uncovering all these great things that are hidden in the folds, but also scraping away the comfortable parts to reveal a hole that you didn't even know was there.

I'm graduating in 4 days. And I dont know how I feel about it. I can't discern my own feelings. Of course I'm excited to be done with school work and papers and shitty group projects. But overall, I LIKE school. I like the feeling of walking into class, sitting in a desk and just letting myself be absorbed with new information and ways of thinking. I like the idea that I am being formed, bit by bit into a more educated person. Obviously there are aspects of that that are scary, like being brainwashed into thinking certain things are true and right, but I also like that power I have to make my own decisions about things and really use all of the different sources around me to create myself. And I mean, I can continue to do that outside of an educational institution. Life is education, right? But I just like going to school. I like getting my backpack ready and heading out the door to walk or take the bus to class. Just like I did in first and seventh and tenth grade. I've always been good at school. I don't think I'll be good at life.

And I also just feel lonely. What happened to all my friends? The only people I see at all regularly are my sisters and Shyam, and while they are great, I need more freinds than that. I have parts of me that are enriched by people other than family and boyfriend. I feel like I completely lost one friend and I have no idea how or why it even happened, and I feel like the other doesn't really have much interest or awareness of me anymore. I really REALLY don't want to be the annoying needy girl who craves attention, but I'm just kind of feeling abandoned, you know?

I'm ready for something big. I'm ready for a change in life, for new directions, for new experiences. I'm ready to stir the pot up a little and taste the new concoction. Bring on the summer. Bring on the real world. And bring on new ingredients.