can't even figure out a title.

I DON'T GET IT. How do people figure stuff out?? How am I supposed to know what I want? I want everything and nothing all at the same time! What does that even mean?!? How do I discern that? Where do I go with that? How do people ever figure anything out?? I mean, how do you KNOW??

boo. this is too hard. start over.

On being a lazy wanter.

I feel like there are so many things that I want in life. Big things and little things. Selfless things and selfish things. Easy things and hard things. Expensive things and cheap things. And free things. And I guess what I'm having a hard time figuring out is how to reconcile wanting all these things with getting them. I mean, I can't get everything I want. It's just not going to happen that way. I probably won't own a beachside villa somewhere beautiful, and there's a good chance I'll never perform in a touring Broadway show. But then there are the other things that I'm so determined to get, that I want with every single piece of me, but are scaring the shit out of me right now. A family. How will I ever get a family if I don't get married? How will I ever get married if I can't be in a relationship for longer than a year? How can I ever be in a relationship for longer than a year if I can't get a boyfriend? How will I ever get a boyfriend if I can't go on dates? How will I ever go on dates if I can't meet a boy I kinda like? There are just WAY TOO MANY pieces of the puzzle that need to fit together for me to get what I really, really, really want that I just end up deciding it won't ever happen. And then I get guilty and annoyed at myself, because Jesus Christ, I'm 24, I have time. But still. What if it doesn't happen? That will literally crush my world. That is a blow that I cannot and will not allow. So then, if something is THAT important to me, I feel like I need to be putting everything I can into it right now. And that's where I find myself. Always trying to work for what I want but not knowing where to begin. Or not wanting to begin. And then what does that say about me? This is something that is quite possibly the most important thing I could ever EVER care about, and I'm just too lazy or scared to deal with it right now? Really, self? Come on.

And then there are the things that are just too much. Too much to figure out, too much to deal with, too much money to handle, too much work to even begin. Like grad school. How the hell am I ever going to be able to do grad school? When will I ever be the kind of person that can do that? I have no money. I have no idea how to apply for scholarships. I have no decision-making capacity to be able to quit a job that I love to go back to school for a job that I might not love as much. The problem with the things that are too much though, is usually that they have deadlines. So i can't just ignore it forever. I need to figure this shit out. But I can't even begin. I want it, but I can't deal with wanting it.